Yesterday was a good day for me. It was my day off, and the weather here in Utah is beautiful. Despite this, I ended up spending most of it inside watching TV with my sick sister. My days off always bug me, because I always feel like I waste it. I'm kind of one of thise people who love doing things. I'm athletic, so if I was still in school, I would be doing Track. The weather is warming up and perfect for bike rides. I recently got back into tennis. Not to mention how nice it would be to get out of the house and meet people. Yesterday was the same. I felt trapped in the house, and then of course, I got agitated. That was when I went out to get the mail...
My walk gave me time to think. Seriously, I don't know about you, but something about the fresh air makes my thoughts move ten times faster. As I was out walking, thought about my story, sure, but for the most part I thought about my life, and the direction I want it to go in. I think I have always had a hard time with seeing my self. I don't even know what I want to see myself as. I used to say I didn't care, and I think to some extent that is true but in reality, I think my apathy stemmed from a lack in personal knowledge.
I got out the door, and all of a sudden, I couldn't stand the house anymore. I'm pretty sure I made my mom pretty mad when I came back into the house and then quickly told her I was leaving to go for a walk when I was supposed to be making dinner. Point is, I left the house, and probably saw more of my neighborhood then I have seen in the four months I lived here, in an hour.
And fear.
There is a trail by my house. I think it is in what everyone calls the preserves. Basically it's some swampy land filled with wild life, and not the cool kind like deer, I mean the annoying kind like snakes and rodents and mosquitos. I look at the preserves almost every day and marvel at it's beauty, but as I was walking past, or more like through it, on the trail, I realized I was terrified of the things that could be lurking in the tall grass. (I would just like to blame these fears on my eleven months in Chino Hills. I don't like snakes, and we had one show up in our back yard. I have been petrified since then.) As I continued walking, I realized that wasn't the only thing I was afraid of.
Our future is kind of like the preserves by my house. We can't see the things lurking in the grass waiting to reveal themselves to us. We can plan as much as we want, but somethings don't rely on us. No matter how much we plan, somethings are out of our hands, like our admission into the one and only college you applied to. Sometimes everything works out perfectly, like getting a job after ten minutes of your first ever interview. Othertimes you are unemployed for three years.
I have been told I am an optimist, and my dad and brother think I am naive because I am. Honestly, yesterday as I stared into the preserves, my overactive imagination running wild, I laughed at that. How can someone who looks at nature and thinks of all the horrible things that could be hiding behind that beauty be an optimist? But yet, I am, because I believe that no matter what horrible things come, I believe, no, I know, that I can get through it, I know that everything happens for a reason, and instead of getting bogged down in the negativity of it, I think forward to how much stronger I will be as a human being for going through what I am, or have, or will.
Life's trail will be long and hard and there will be many surprises, but because I know who I am, because I have discovered myself, I am ready for it. And when all is said and done, I will be able to enjoy a beautiful sunset of success.